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Hose has to go where hose has to go....
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Happy Christmas
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his
girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.' “Oh no, , not now let's look at the moon!' said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged. 'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita. " Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.' Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.' Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... 'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.' MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! |
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. |
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money? And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little ****s I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season! |
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients: 1 cup water 1 cup of brown sugar 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt Lemon Juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle of Vodka 1 can of Red Bull 2 cups dried fruit Method: 1. Sample the vodka to check the quality. 2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. 3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink. 4. Repeat. 5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. 7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok. 8. Flavour with red bull to taste. 9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer. 10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 11. Pick fruit off floor 12. Mix on the turner. 13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. 14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull. 15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi** 16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder 17. Pick up the can, mop the floor 18. Check the vodka 19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. 20. Add one table. 21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. 22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.. 23. Don't forget to beat off the turner 24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog. 25. Fall into bed. CHERRY MISTMAS |
Reimbursment
A man wakes up in Hull Royal, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on Clive Sullivan Way. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got 9000 quid in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's 1000 quid an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen." |
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund). IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. BREAK-IN PERIOD When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse. ACTIVATION To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required. SHUTDOWN Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this. CLEANING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mum and dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents." FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER Retailers make millions of pounds a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different. OTHER MAINTENANCE Teenage daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work. WARRANTY This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there--you just have to look for her. |
Who's Your Daddy?
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine* excerpts from the forms: 01. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 02. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue, where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. |
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick 8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup? 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile ! |
Funny Animals
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xmas present
My mate bought his wife a new car for xmas " i dont like it" she says i want something that goes 0 - 140 in 3 seconds
So he bought her some bathroom scales :lol::lol::lol::lol: |
Vegetarian health food nuts are going to feel really silly one day lying there dying of nothing.
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Blonde joke
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get Started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .... . 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.' Oh yes already been slapped>:( for ti |
good one mate:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
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Excellent :D
Although I heard another version where the target was that nancy David Beckham :D |
London Times Obituary of the late C . Sense
'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; along with his daughter and son, Responsibility and Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. |
Granny Vs Mercedes
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Bill went to his doctor to discuss his bowel movements. He explained the problem to the Doc "Every morning, regular as clockwork, I have a crap at 07:30." The doctor says that is great, many people are much less regular, you much have a good diet and I wouldn't worry about it. "But'', says Bill, "I don't get up until 08:00!''
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This is from a freind on another mailing list real life :-) (I think)
On Tuesday, we went to Flamingoland and, apart from one ride, had quite an easy time of it with the queues. The one ride that had a long wait was the Log Flume - perhaps it's because there were only two "boats" working. Sam was insistent that he wanted to go on despite the one-hour wait. Debbie queued with him, and fed him copious amounts of juice ("Fruit Shoot" - it comes in opaque bottles with those sucky-type drink spouts) to keep him cool in the obscene heat, and even took to pouring her mineral water over his feet and neck to keep him cool. They were almost at the front of the queue and the inevitable happened: "I need the toilet." There was nowhere to go - at least not without wasting the time they'd already spent waiting, so Debbie told him to pee in one of the empty juice bottle. When they got to the boat, they had to leave their belongings on a table while they were on the ride. The moral? Don't steal "Fruit Shoot" from someone who's left it on a table while they are on a fairground ride. The thing that amuses me is that somewhere in the northeast of England there's someone telling their version of the same story with the moral "Don't buy Fruit Shoot - it tastes like p*ss". |
plane Conversation
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t |
Looking For A Bear
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travelled over to Alaska, spotted a small black bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big brown bear. The brown bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the brown bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the brown bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back over to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, . . . . . . . . . ............ "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" |
Medical Distinction
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, 'You're next.' I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death. |
For all the Frog haters!
The train Was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left wasbesidea well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had herpoodle sitting on it. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that
seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing thewrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.' |
One day a man is met by a genie who grants him 1 wish, The man wishes to be close to a woman - so the genie turns him into a tampon,
The moral of the story ?? You may get what you wish for but there are always strings attached :lol::lol: |
Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and Asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the Circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, half acre and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland .. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at chemist and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover" |
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, 'Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting the femle patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford.' 'Oh why, is that where the job's based?' 'No - that's where the end of the queue is' |
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Little Johnny
A Junior school teacher in Surrey asked her kids to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to the aquarium and was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not ‘fascinated.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunty Tina has a cardigan with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.' |
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your #rse and go as a toffee apple |
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next. Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication. 5.There is no such thing as ' US English.' We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above). 7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called 'Come-Uppance Day'. 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling 'gasoline') - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps'. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar. 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer', and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager'. American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine', so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 17. You will cease playing American 'football.' There is only one kind of proper football; you call it 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. Thank you for your co-operation. |
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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied. |
Joke of the Day
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working one day on a very high scaffolding when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replied Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!" "What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "Why?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'" |
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna f*ckin' die.' |
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.' 'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde . 'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist. 'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.' She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.' Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ... (Are you ready for this one!?) 'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM. |
Just in case you weren't feeling "too" old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who started university this year across the nation were born in 1989. Star Wars is older than them. Something for the older members of the club to chew over. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. They have always had an answering machine They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They have always had CD's, never records. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate |
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !" We went to lunch.. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked..........except for my socks :lol::lol::lol: |
Little Mark
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.' Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.' Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'' LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f*cking business'. |
One day, Farmer Bob is in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket and an anvil, then stops by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Farmer Bob, realizing he must find a way to carry all of his purchases home, asks the livestock clerk for advice. The livestock clerk says, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" says Farmer Bob, and off he goes. While walking he meets a young woman. She tells him she is lost, and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" Farmer Bob says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there." The girl says, "How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?" Farmer Bob says, "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The girl replies, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." |
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