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Guns are Dangerous
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked Robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mam, I was having a pee and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the mother, "I know what happened you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog." |
Two ways to look at things!
There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" |
When I was a little boy....
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was about 3 years old and he had just recovered from a nasty fall. And I had got my hands on one of Dad's empty beer bottles. I loved to play with it and act grown up. Dad was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a bottle of beer, which of course, was just water. After several of these beers, yum yum's and lots of praise for such good beer, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a bottle of beer, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a beer for Daddy and she watched him drink it all up. Then she said to Dad, "Did it ever occur to your simple mind, that the only place that boy can reach to get you water, is the toilet??" |
Bullfrogs & Blow Jobs
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" " Blow jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you are gone." |
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.' Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'. Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.' |
Ah, so that's what they're for...........
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....' ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands. DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer |
At prayer meeting, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. 'Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him'. There was an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain poor Jim experienced. 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation...they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum with pins and wrap wire around it to hold it in place'. Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery and the wire. 'Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say with time his scrotum should recover completely'. All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and asked tentatively if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose from his seat and said quietly, 'Good morning. I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, once again, the word is "sternum"'. |
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." |
Jack Schitt
Remember this and you'll no longer be at a loss when someone says, "you
don't know Jack Schitt!"* For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way. ______________ Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Despite her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local newspaper announced the Schitt Happens nupitals. The Schitt - Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. |
Three blokes are having a pint. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, " I still
prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that, when you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, " at my local , the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy ya a drink, then another, all the drinks ya like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take ya upstairs and see that ya get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. "Well," asked the Englishman, " did this actually happen to you?" "Not me mesel', personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen t' ma sister." |
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. |
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.' REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble THAN YOURS! |
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Maths In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Maths In 2000 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Maths In 2007 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. ) 6. Teaching Maths 2017 أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟ |
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended |
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.' |
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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was.' |
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap. |
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!' |
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!' |
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?' |
Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. |
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,' she asks,'will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?' Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?' 'Osama Bin Laden,' she says. 'Why Osama Bin Laden,' her father asks in shock. 'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a Little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone Anymore.' Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.' 'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f***er.' |
If I rub Viagra into my eyes will i look hard?
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
> >The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." > >"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." > >The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." > > > >"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question." > >"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest. > >"Should I tell her the war is over?" |
Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability." Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly, it would be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to." On and on he went, like an excited little boy who... well... had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms." |
B&Q
SCAM I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday. I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the b'stard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky!! Pass this warning on …. |
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she thinks she is pregnant.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is indeed pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Porsche 997 GT2 stops in front of their house, a mature, bald yet distinguished man impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of his new GT2 and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him... "You'll have sex again!!" |
man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
I'd love to be eight again' she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties! He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide The Wall of Fear The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!' The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong..... |
Had a wank lastnight over the ex-girlfriend,
I know it's wrong but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper :rofl::rofl: |
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.' A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take a **** out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours |
When my Wife got home from work last night, she demanded that I take her out to Somewhere Expensive................ .....
So I took her to a petrol station |
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie
Barker could say all this without a snigger This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, and losing her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fassive mart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! THE END. |
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to buy some sexy lingerie for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £200 in price, the more see through, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the £200 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so see through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £200 refund for myself.' So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for £200, they'd at least iron it!' |
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his
clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blond walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly, pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.'Did you call for me? ' asked the hair y man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new' answered the hairy man. 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!! |
A Japanese doctor said,
'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.' A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person , put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.' A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.' |
Three men -- A Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an American are all working
together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in tot al', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The American says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The American sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.' |
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry. Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry. Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry. Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God. LETTER 4: I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE |
This is hilarious!
There's not one dirty word in it, and it's funny!!! The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted |
RI DDL ES
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What's a mixed feeling? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q: What's the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q: What's the di fference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! Q: Why is divorce so expensive?! A: Because it's well worth it! Q: What is a Yankee? A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A: They both like a tight seal. Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration. Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A: About three inches. Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a Hillbilly? A: Kick his ugly Sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare! Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morni ng? A: They don't have balls to scratch! OH, don't groan! You know damn well you're going to send this on to somebody! |
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, But you may not speak until directed to do so. ' Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.' Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.' 'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.' After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.' 'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, The Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today.' 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine. 'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.' |
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