Joke Thread
 

Post all yer joke in this one thread... :lol:


http://www.corriere.it/Fotogallery/T.../12_154624.jpg

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mondeo doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

:D:D

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"


:lol::lol:

:rolleyes:

http://www.boreme.com/media/yr2002/ride_bike.gif

Peter Kay One Liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8 ) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

3) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

4) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
5) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

6) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

7) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

8 ) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

9) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

10) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

11) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

12) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

13) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

14) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

15) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

16) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8 )Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18 ) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

**"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

*"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

*Churchill's response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde



Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at aDinner Party,

"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"

Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"*

From an email sent by a chum :

"True Friendship"
(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!! I hate those)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.


1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!) And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!!

Who Is Jack Schitt?
 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

John cleese watching steve coogan drive away from a film set in his ferrari, "There goes that young, successful steve coogan in his ferrari, i do hope he gets cancer!".