Joke Thread
 

Post all yer joke in this one thread... :lol:


http://www.corriere.it/Fotogallery/T.../12_154624.jpg

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mondeo doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

:D:D

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"


:lol::lol:

:rolleyes:

http://www.boreme.com/media/yr2002/ride_bike.gif

Peter Kay One Liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8 ) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

3) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

4) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
5) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

6) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

7) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

8 ) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

9) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

10) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

11) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

12) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

13) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

14) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

15) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

16) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8 )Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18 ) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

**"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

*"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

*Churchill's response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde



Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at aDinner Party,

"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"

Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"*

From an email sent by a chum :

"True Friendship"
(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!! I hate those)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.


1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!) And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!!

Who Is Jack Schitt?
 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

John cleese watching steve coogan drive away from a film set in his ferrari, "There goes that young, successful steve coogan in his ferrari, i do hope he gets cancer!".

As you know, Glasgow has won the bid to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be altered especially for 2014 in order to give it more of a local theme to it.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.


OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.


100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm), and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)


HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.


FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first without any assistance.


SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun, converted starting pistol, or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.


BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.


CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.


CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft and set off in chase.


MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.


SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found which is not hazardous to human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian" or similar.


THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided and may include sprint stages when routed through certain areas of the city


MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...



THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police anti-riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.


The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

slap the nerd
 

http://www.addictinggames.com/slapthenerd.html


passes the time:lol::lol:

The future of nursery rhymes
 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming.


Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
"Pies you d*ckhead."


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble
and turned its wool to nylon.


Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

1) What does Louis Hamilton have that England hasn't? A Maclaren

2) What's the difference between Louis Hamilton and England? Hamilton's going to Switzerland.

3) Apparently McClaren's going to the FA's Xmas fancy dress ball dressed as a pumpkin - he's hoping someone will turn him into a coach!

4) Oxo have released a new line today. The new cube is coloured white with a red cross and is called "the laughing stock"

5) England are to change their shirts, the three lions are to be replaced by three tampons to represent the worst period they have ever had.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party



I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2007

RE: Holiday Party



What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F**ing Employees

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The F**ing Holiday Party



Vegetarians I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!





FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.



Happy Holidays!

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'


Subject: Human Resources

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. See, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules... "
And with that St. Peter put the executive in a lift and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the lift.
The lift opened at the Pearly gates and she saw St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said.
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and rubbish and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you.
Today, you're staff....."



There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.





A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina'.......'Yes' she says...... The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.'

Two Old Men
 

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their
Last Days And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.


After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel.



The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her
Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each
Bed, These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On
Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

The Manager Does As He Is
Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their
Business.

As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you Know, I
Think My Girl Was Dead!'

'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say
That?'

'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving
Her.'

His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'



'a Witch, Why The Hell Would You Say
That?'

'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck And
Then I Went Down And Gave Her A Little Bite On The Ass, Next Thing I Know, She
Farted And Flew Out The Window.'

German Speed Bump
 

The germans are designing a new speed hump to make people go slower :lol::lol:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3j4bd_toombumper_news

Damned shame it wasn't a Nissan Micra >:(

I swear they have them down some streets in Hull... Theres one near the hospital that beached my friends standard Astra and he couldn't get out of the end of his road! Council reduced it but its still ridiculously high and quite a few cars can't get out of their own street.

A funny place for an exhaust

http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/8...kersed2.th.jpg

I tried showing my young lady that

The reply was "You can get sodded!"

I can only try

Technoligy update
 

we have come alongway over the years :lol::lol:

two irishmen and a blonde
 

TWO IRISH ENGINEERS & A BLONDE


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.



A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.



Paddy: 'We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,
but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts
and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket,
took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six
inches.



She then walked off.

Mick said:
'Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the height and she gives us the length.'

15 days ? well it's their country and their laws so fair enough I guess.
But, to deport the poor woman to Liverpool... that's going too far.

I have visions of the firefighters debating whether to use the "Jaws of Life" or petrol Stihl saw before deciding on a Dremel !
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/m...er/7131532.stm

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Spot the differences

I think from the German there are only three, anyone speak German?

http://www.shinjiru.net/money/insurance.php

You wonder if anyone reads em first...

What If It Had Been 3 Wise WOMEN??


Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise
Women instead of three Wise Men ?

Women would say:

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
practical gifts.


Here's Men's rebuttal.....

Yeah, and do you know what they said would have said when they
left?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"

"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the
house?"

"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"

"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"

"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
dish back?"

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25 . It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

27. You should not confuse your career with your life.

28. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

29. Never lick a steak knife.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Achmed
 

You will need your sound on :lol::lol::lol:

http://media.putfile.com/Achmed-26

The Brusel Sprout Game
 

So you dont like brussel sprouts, well now its time for revenge :lol::lol:

http://www.eyegas.com/xmas05/


I scored 570

Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and say.........Can you smell fish?

UK - Euro ?
 

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,
Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,

Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were

asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were quite happy with the Giro.

The Bathtub test
 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?'

If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today...
 

If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today...

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.