Joke Thread

[Dave White]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland. The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo o' coo's sh*te n pish.' The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English ... repeat that in English.' The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

[Dave White]

Water found on Mars! NASA photo

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/0504...nMars2_gcc.jpg

[Dave White]

"You can't polish a turd, you can roll it in glitter and even dress it up as something else, but in the end it still stinks to high heaven!"

[John Potts]

Little Morris Cohen was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning mathematics. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Morris down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Morris came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Morris was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner; to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Morris brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Morris got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Morris looked at her and shook his head, "No"

"Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Morris looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't f***ing around."

[Dave White]

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.

'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.
'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me- if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry

[John Potts]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
> He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
> So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
>
>
> One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
>
> After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
>
> So she got up, jumped in the pool and started swimming lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
> "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !"

[John Potts]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts
flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'.

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily. 'He had such curly hair
when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be
18', she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first
started school'.

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says..

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

[030]

Dad could you tell me how to spell clitorous !!!

No son If you had only asked me last night ,It was on the tip of my tongue

[030]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
You're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you f**king idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
to the electric chair!"

[030]

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