Joke Thread

[Simon Bentley]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

[John Potts]

A TRUE IRISH STORY

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said, ''Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?''


''Why?'' Paddy asked.

''Because,'' said Mick, ''the entire street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.''

Mick said, ''Silly buggers, the laugh's on them.



I wasn't home yesterday.''

[Joseph McBride (YR045)]

a scientist has invented a bra that stops womens breats from jiggling up an down, while jogging. And also stops nipples sticking out when out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked the living daylights out of him..

[Joseph McBride (YR045)]

A man asks his wife "Dear, what would you do if I won the lottery??"

She replies - "I would take half the money and leave you!!"

He says - "Well, your in luck..... I just got 3 numbers! Here's your fiver. Now get lost..

[Neil Howson]

My girlfriend was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the
stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'



Obviously, the eggs were inedible after boiling for 2 hours......

[041]

Originally Posted by neilhowson

My girlfriend was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the
stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'



Obviously, the eggs were inedible after boiling for 2 hours......

What a stud Neil!

[John Potts]

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

[John Potts]

> What some chicks will do for money>>> A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine>> restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman>> comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open>> mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.>> His wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was>> that?">> Oh! replies the husband, "she's my mistress.">> "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a > divorce!">> "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but> remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to > Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more > Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision > is yours.">> Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe>> on his arm.>> "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.>> "That's his mistress," says her husband.>> "Ours is prettier," she replies.

[John Potts]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[John Potts]

Confessions of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth

wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a

special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says

'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past

against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Wigan .