Joke Thread

[Dave White]

SNOW is a delicate substance made of tiny ice crystals and unlikely to last forever, the Met Office claimed last night.

Experts insisted the granular material had a soft and open structure that was very likely to turn into water, and was not an airborne member of the notoriously hardwearing diamond family.

As millions of Britons stocked up on anti-wolf equipment, climatologists claimed the snow would disappear within days as rising air temperatures resulted in the breakdown of its crystalline structure in a process they referred to as 'melting'.

A Met Office spokesman, said: "Snow is a notoriously unstable material, which is why we never use it to build bridges.

"Try picking it up, notice how the warmth of your hands makes it go soft and disappear. In fact, the only thing it is guaranteed to withstand is a 12-ton London bus."

[Dave White]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise as everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. If you want to live longer, take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. A cow eats hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. If you need grain, eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means the water is taken out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. It is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO - cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: 'Round' is a shape. Isn't it!!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.



And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

[Simon Bentley]

A bid for world peace

NSFW

http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924

[Simon Bentley]

Now these are funny



http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik....2&disp=emb&zw

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik....1&disp=thd&zw

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik....3&disp=thd&zw

[Dave White]

Now this would be really funny if it were just a joke - but it is too near to truth...

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

[Joseph McBride (YR045)]

it wrote that sod the curse and idiot! right a like feel you'll backwards message this read to have you realise you time the by

[Dave White]

Bill of rights for makers of things...

[Dave White]

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of
Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was
going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.
'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[Dave White]

21 Economic Models Explained

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone think you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

***JUST ADDED******

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

[Joseph McBride (YR045)]

A farmer buys a bunch of pigs to breed for pork. He gets 8 sows and a boar. He puts them all together in a pen and leaves them for a few weeks to get acquainted.
After a while, he calls the vet in to see if any of the pigs are pregnant. The vet checks them all out and has some bad news.
"Giles, I'm afraid your sows are all going to have problems conceiving....and your boar has a very low sperm count"
"Oh vetnary, is there anything I can do?"
"Well, you could try getting them inseminated? It's quite expensive though"
"Oh, well, I'll have to have a think about that then. How will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
The vet tells the farmer that the pigs will lay down in the mud and roll around a lot.
Thanking the vet for his time, the farmer sends the vet on his way. Lying in bed that night he decides that he could inseminate the pigs himself, and save a lot of money.
The next morning he loads the pigs into the back of his shiny red truck and drives them all to the woods. He ties them up and bangs each one in turn.
The next morning he looks out the window and sees the pigs aren't laying down or rolling in the mud. So, he loads them back in the truck and drives them to the woods again, this time rodgering them twice each for good measure.
The following day, same thing, pigs aren't laying down or rolling in the mud. So, back in the truck, back to the woods. He proceeds to bang the hell out of the piggies all day, so much so his underpants start smelling like smoky bacon.
The next morning giles' wife wakes him up in a panic.
"Giles, Giles, the pigs are acting mighty strange!"
"What, are they lying in the mud and rolling around a lot?" He asks in excitement!
"No Giles, they're all in your truck and they're honking the blooming' horn!"