Joke Thread

[Joseph McBride (YR045)]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.


Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.


'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'


'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.


'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'


'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'


'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

[Joseph McBride (YR045)]

mens pearls of wisdom


1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big penis or a
good memory. I don't remember what I chose.





2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex,

she objects.





3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'





4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive
to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.





5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the
best thing on earth.





6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life:

Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.





7. Virginity can be cured.





8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.





9. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer

were too small.





10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with
the enemy.





11. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.





12. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the
Thing......





13. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.





14. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.





15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',

many men still sleep with their wives!!

[Dave White]

Reading on the loo is more complicated than you think!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A21388458

[John Potts]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband: 'Bruce! Bruce!'
Bruce came running in.
'Bruce, I've flibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleflibble suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.
'S'truth', Bruce said, and tried to pull her up.
'You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber.' (his mate)
They came back and both tried to pull her up.
'No way, we can't do it,' Cobber said, 'so let's try Plan B.'
'Plan B,' exclaimed Bruce, 'what's that?'
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her,' replied Cobber.
'Spot on,' Bruce said, 'while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples.'
'Play with her nipples?' Cobber said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate!'
'No,' Bruce replied, 'but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive.'

[John Potts]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After retiring, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs Fitzgerald,
Over the past 6 months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed: 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled: 'Pick me! Pick me!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed :'Oh no! It's those voices again!'
And last, but not least
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here !'

[John Potts]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin: 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?'
Not one hand went up.
So she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.

[John Potts]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked: ‘What gender is 'computer'?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into 2 groups, male and female.
She asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

[John Potts]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'




'Now what exactly would you say?'

[031]

Chairmans 40th tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Not a joke as such i know, but when i read it on the calendar it made me laugh out loud!!!. How much has he bribed patrick not to put his true age on???lol!

[Neil Howson]

If in doubt, add some bacon.

http://bacolicio.us/http://humber-yorks.4x4response.org