Joke Thread

[Dave White]

A motorist had just gone through a well known camera-protected 30 mph zone, doing his usual 29.5 mph when he was stopped by a policeman.

Why are you stopping me?, asked the motorist. 'I was well under the limit'.

'Not for speeding, Sir. That was tax evasion.'

[Susanne Howson]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm
a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in
peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be
a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to drive. The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to
the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.

[Dave White]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Sacha Guitry





After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Hemant Joshi






By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Socrates






Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Dumas





The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?


Sigmund Freud





I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


Anonymous





"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."


Henny Youngman






"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."


Sam Kinison





"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."


James Holt McGavran





"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."


Patrick Murray





Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming


1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,


2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Nash





The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


Anonymous






You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


Henny Youngman





My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met...


Rodney Dangerfield






A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Milton Berle






Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.


Anonymous






First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"


Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[056]

This http://bama.ua.edu/~acsellers/story.html is one of the most hilarious reads ever, I had to stop reading it at one point because I couldn't see the words for tears. It's a long one but just get's better and better. Enjoy!

[Dave White]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'


The agent nervously replies,


'He just found a bomb !'

[Dave White]

> These are genuine complaints to Oxford City Council from council
> house tenants complaining about various things
>
> My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
> fungus growing in it.
>
> He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
> take it anymore.
>
> It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
>
> I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
> knob off.
>
> I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
> put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
>
> And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
> fence
>
> I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
> I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
>
> My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
>
> I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
>
> Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
> and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
>
> I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
>
> 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
> plain filthy.
>
> I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
>
> The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
>
> Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour
> and not fit to drink.
>
> Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
>
> I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
> 6am his flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
>
> The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
> unsightly and dangerous.
>
> Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
> so please send someone round to do something about it.
>
> I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
> do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
>
> Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
>
> I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
> have no satisfaction.
>
> This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
> get BBC2.

[Dave White]

Technologically advanced!!!
Irish rule the world

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year- old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Mick O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Mick has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago, Ireland had already gone
wireless.

[Dave White]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[Simon Bentley]

All you series owners you got to get yourself some of this.

[Susanne Howson]

Actual Worldwide Signs


Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN !!!?

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN !!!! TO THE RIGHT

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL !!!! IN TUB.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME

In a Bucharest Hotel lobby (really!):
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.