Joke Thread

I rang the swine flu hotline yesterday and all I got was alot of crackling noises.

http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/g...tachment-1.jpg

[Dave White]

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit, Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make someone very happy'.
Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: ' Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy'.
Gordon say: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten peopel very happy.
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'Listen, how about if I throw all of your out of the window and make the whole country happy'

[Neil Howson]

Almost relevant, and a bit jokey...

http://www.b3tards.com/u/c906e57fc22...336/caykes.gif

[Dave White]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy," said the teacher.

Oh no, here's little Johnny with his hand up.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[Susanne Howson]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam

[David Walker]

Originally Posted by sux

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam

[Dave White]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following conclusions:

1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack.

[John Potts]

The modern history of teaching maths



1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths 2010
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[Peter Vincent]

hit the nail on the head there john!

[Susanne Howson]

Man + Shopping = Trouble
Letter received by a woman who ignored that basic rule:

Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares ... and watched what happened.

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay buy.

6. September 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the beddingdepartment.

8. September 23:
When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks: 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and proceeded to pick his nose.

10. November 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6:
In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!

15. December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"