Joke Thread

[Dave White]

A change is not necessarily an improvement.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung
off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was
wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and
her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice
fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to
her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

[Dave White]

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
-Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henny Youngman

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-James Holt McGavran

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
-Patrick! Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous

[130]

The met office has just advised they are expecting a shower of s**t heading towards England from Africa

[086]

The second goal explained...

[041]

Osama Bin Laden has just appeared ìn a new tv message proving he is still alive. He said the English football team were <swear word> and full of excuses. British intelligence have dismissed it saying it could have been recorded at any time during the last 40 years...

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Missus came home early this afternoon and nearly caught me watching England. Luckily I managed to put the porn on and get my old man out to save any embarrassment.......

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David Blaine is said to be gutted because his record of doing <swear word> all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney........

[Dave White]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple
who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the
car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Neil Howson]

One for the geeks...

https://cybersecuritychallenge.org.uk/cipher.html

Took me less than a minute. maybe that says something, maybe not!

Neil

[Simon Bentley]

Your favourite film

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/wp-content/...movie-test.jpg

[037]

bleat bleat cmere

[John Potts]

Isn't this one for ragheads?