Joke Thread

[061]

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Honk! If you want to see my finger

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Constipated People Don't Give ACrap.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

To All You Virgins - Thanks For Nothing.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cover Me - I'm Changing Lanes.


Guys: No Shirt - No Service, Gals: No Shirt - No Charge
[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down, On A Land Rover]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Cat: The Other White Meat.


You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition.

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha.

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes

Damned if I do, damned if I don't...so damnit I will!

Accountants don't die - they just lose their balance.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, "Screw it".

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot


I;ve gotta to print me some of those :l ol:

[John Potts]

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he
Noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with

A machine gunner on board.

Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets.

..... .. . . . . . . . . . ..

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.

I thought;

“What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.

"Yes it is" I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer.

Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,

Face down on the floor. Dead!

At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes..............

Then a moment of pure inspiration........

....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"

"I did once & he looked really angry."

"Why angry?"

Because he was watching through the window.!

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...

Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!

. . . .. . . . . . . . .

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.

The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!

[Dave White]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a
Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

[Dave White]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

[Dave White]

I have just booked a table for two on Valentines day but I have a horrible feeling it will end in tears like last year.

SWMBO is crap at snooker!

[Dave White]

Governmentium - the heaviest element known to science:

Queens University researchers have discovered the heaviest element
yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred
to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as
much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but
twice as many morons

[Dave White]

Did I read that sign right?


In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

[Dave White]

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

(You're going to love this...................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............. )
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'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[Dave White]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

[Dave White]

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong

Eye have run this poem threw it
am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.