Joke Thread

[Dave White]

Originally Posted by Dave_M0YAA

Just figured out why I'm overweight! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body". I'm going to start using "Fairy" dish soap. It says " Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove"

lol must try it

[Dave White]

I’ve discovered one of my ancestors was killed at the battle of Hastings.
He wasn’t a soldier.
He was camping in the field next door and went over to complain about the noise.

[Dave White]

Isn't it strange how Sexy Women always drive Cute Little Cars??
That reminds me the MOT's due on the wife's 130 crew cab !

[232]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied:
'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

. . . . . . . The nun had to leave the room.

[Dave Rudderham]

the first rioter has been convicted of looting DFS, he got a £1000 fine but pays nothing for a year then gets 4 years interest free credit...

[Patrick Holmes]

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

[Dave Rudderham]

Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

[Dave White]

I keep getting the urge to chat up pregnant women - I must be having a
midwife crisis....

[David Walker]

Originally Posted by Dave White

I keep getting the urge to chat up pregnant women - I must be having a
midwife crisis....

[Dave White]

Cletus & Billy Bob...


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old green John Deere tractor .

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal
his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the
T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob .

"But me 'n the ol' lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor."