Joke Thread

[Dave White]

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the **** out of you.

How can you tell when a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.

How is a man like a microwave oven?
They both heat up instantly and go off in twenty seconds.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the smartest part.

What's the difference between hard and dark?
It stays dark all night.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.

What do men consider housecleaning?
Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows - we've never seen it done!

How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.

Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.

What is the difference between men and women...
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says: "I'll really miss you"

How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
The noise wakes up her husband

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

[Dave White]

Entitled 'Why men have better friends'...

Friendship between women:
Woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The chap calls her 10 best friends, and none of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men:
Bloke didn't come home one night. Next morning he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. She calls his 10 best friends. Eight of them confirm that he slept over, and the other two maintained that he was still there.

[John Potts]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9' high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'Iwant a million bucks A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks
'No ****!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?

[John Potts]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.



The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'



Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box''Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'



Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.



'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.


The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'



Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box''Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'



Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.



'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.


Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'



'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them theystarted throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names' 'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'

[John Potts]

The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally got his way...

British weather has been declared Muslim.

It's partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

[John Potts]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT



His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a lo ng black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'


He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.The door locks, and he finds himself back in the pa r king lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Dave White]

http://www.pocopico.com/china/chinglish2.php

[030]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[030]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[030]

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper