Joke Thread

[Dave White]

Saw my mate Jim yesterday, he's only got one arm.

"Where you off then, Jim?" I shouted

"I'm going to change a light bulb," he said.

"That's going to be awkward, isn't it?" I asked.

"No..... I've still got the receipt."

[Joseph McBride (YR045)]

OUCH!!!!

[Dave White]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.


The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter says with admiration.


Thanks' the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.



Little Partner,' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully ......

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[030]

*Warning---if you are drinking coffee swallow it now* CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants.


The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze.


The clown planters were professionally fired at a
class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun!
They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters
and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.


The cactus plants were removed and small ivy
replaced them and the children were then allowed
to take them home instead.


The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea
at the time!

[Dave White]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in The North Sea
~~~



Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!

[Dave White]

A new addition to Chemistry's Periodic Table

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron,
25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.


These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it
can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes
into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years
to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.


In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
critical morass.


When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has half as many peons but twice as many morons. -- Brian J Pugh
Checked for harmful content by WorldHQ Spam Trap (NN) and believed to
be clean.

[Joseph McBride (YR045)]

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Do you ever wonder why you Let me join this forum in the first place?

[John Potts]

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[030]

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Did you mean MOTHER INLAWS are like slinkies

[041]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION

You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into
the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the
country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...









Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?