Joke Thread

[030]

My mate bought his wife a new car for xmas " i dont like it" she says i want something that goes 0 - 140 in 3 seconds


So he bought her some bathroom scales

[Dave White]

Vegetarian health food nuts are going to feel really silly one day lying there dying of nothing.

[006]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .... .



























'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Oh yes already been slapped for ti

[Daz Wilson]

good one mate

[John Potts]

Excellent

Although I heard another version where the target was that nancy David Beckham

[Dave White]

London Times Obituary of the late C . Sense

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be

remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to

come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job

that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; along with his daughter and son, Responsibility and Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It

Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you

still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

[030]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bNYeJ-EDkc

[Dave White]

Bill went to his doctor to discuss his bowel movements. He explained the problem to the Doc "Every morning, regular as clockwork, I have a crap at 07:30." The doctor says that is great, many people are much less regular, you much have a good diet and I wouldn't worry about it. "But'', says Bill, "I don't get up until 08:00!''

[Dave White]

This is from a freind on another mailing list real life :-) (I think)

On Tuesday, we went to Flamingoland and, apart from one ride, had quite an easy time of it with the queues. The one ride that had a long wait was the Log Flume - perhaps it's because there were only two "boats" working. Sam was insistent that he wanted to go on despite the one-hour wait. Debbie queued with him, and fed him copious amounts of juice ("Fruit Shoot" - it comes in opaque bottles with those sucky-type drink spouts) to keep him cool in the obscene heat, and even took to pouring her mineral water over his feet and neck to keep him cool.
They were almost at the front of the queue and the inevitable happened: "I need the toilet." There was nowhere to go - at least not without wasting the time they'd already spent waiting, so Debbie told him to pee in one of the empty juice bottle.

When they got to the boat, they had to leave their belongings on a table while they were on the ride.


The moral?
Don't steal "Fruit Shoot" from someone who's left it on a table while they are on a fairground ride.



The thing that amuses me is that somewhere in the northeast of England there's someone telling their version of the same story with the moral "Don't buy Fruit Shoot - it tastes like p*ss".

[030]

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and
the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know s**t