Joke Thread

[030]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travelled over to Alaska, spotted a small black bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big brown bear.

The brown bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the brown bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the brown bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.
So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back over to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
............ "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[030]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:

GUTS -

is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS -

is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[John Potts]

The train Was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left wasbesidea well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had herpoodle sitting on it. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that
seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one
in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the length of the entire train
again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very
tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked
up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat
down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby
spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing thewrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown
the wrong bitch out the window.'

[030]

One day a man is met by a genie who grants him 1 wish, The man wishes to be close to a woman - so the genie turns him into a tampon,

The moral of the story ??

You may get what you wish for but there are always strings attached

[030]

A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and
Asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, half acre and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.


I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland ..
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at chemist and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[Dave White]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, 'Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting the femle patients ready for the gynaecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford.'


'Oh why, is that where the job's based?'





'No - that's where the end of the queue is'

[Krystian Tyas Stark]

Bad Advertising (if you have a rude mind)

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n...y/image006.jpg

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n...y/image005.jpg

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n...y/image004.jpg

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n...y/image002.jpg

[Krystian Tyas Stark]

http://i235.photobucket.com/albums/e...eeks/funny.jpg

[030]

A Junior school teacher in Surrey asked her kids to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to the aquarium and was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not ‘fascinated.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunty Tina has a cardigan with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'

[030]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part


The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your #rse and go as a toffee apple