Joke Thread

[030]

When my Wife got home from work last night, she demanded that I take her out to Somewhere Expensive................ .....







So I took her to a petrol station

[Neil Howson]

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie
Barker could say all this without a snigger


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly
isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the
other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;
they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to
go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy
fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would
be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the
prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all
chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse
over ollocks, and losing her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her
leg and let off a fassive mart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the
prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and
it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were
married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and
Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

THE END.

[Neil Howson]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to buy some sexy lingerie for
his wife.


He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £200 in price,
the more see through, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the
sheerest item pays the £200 and takes it home.


He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.


Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so see through that it
might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling
naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £200 refund for myself.'


So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.




The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for £200, they'd at least
iron it!'

[John Potts]

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his
clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blond walked
by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for
me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side
of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly, pulled him to her and
happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered
out of the steam room toward him.'Did you call for me? ' asked the hair y man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new' answered the hairy man. 'It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him
over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500
membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a
chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart
15 times a day. I'm outta here!!

[John Potts]

A Japanese doctor said,
'Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it
in another, and have him looking for work in
six weeks.'

A German doctor said,
'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person , put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said,
'In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half of a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for
work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said,
'You guys are way behind. We took a man with
no brains out of Texas, put him in the White
House and now half the country is looking for
work.'

[John Potts]

Three men -- A Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an American are all working
together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes in tot al', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to
be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq
and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious
land.'


POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.


The American says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable.'

The American sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and
says,
'Fill it with water.'

[John Potts]

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted: "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started again.LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and
I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very
sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Barry walked
down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to
see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat
down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.


LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE

[John Potts]

This is hilarious!

There's not one dirty word in it, and it's funny!!!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[030]

RI DDL ES

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q: What's the di fference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?!
A: Because it's well worth it!

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A: About three inches.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a Hillbilly?
A: Kick his ugly Sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare!

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morni ng?
A: They don't have balls to scratch!


OH, don't groan!
You know damn well you're going to send this on to somebody!

[Dave White]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, But you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said,
'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, The Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'