Joke Thread

[John Potts]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
pikeys here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on travellers right now . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.

[John Potts]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked 'Do you know her?' 'Yes' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years
ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'Who would think someone could go on
celebrating that long!!!!'

[John Potts]

I rear-ended a car this morning. It was all my fault.

We stopped at the side of the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then which one are you!!!'

[Dave White]

Oldest Profession
A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor,
you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

[Susanne Howson]

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

[John Potts]

Scouse Vasectomy



After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was

enough as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't

strong enough to nick one.


The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife

didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative

was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then

hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.


The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the

world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my

ear is going to help me.'


'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.


So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held

the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which

point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could

continue counting on his other hand...


This procedure also works in Birmingham , parts of Essex, Cornwall ,

Sunderland, Wigan, Aberdeen and anywhere in Ireland

[John Potts]

Medical humour (you'll never look the doctor straight in the eye again)


A man dashes into the A&E Dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, after protests from the lady, I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St. Thomas's Bath.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' . .. I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London (Doctor wouldn't submit his name).

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'how long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent.

[John Potts]

The Theory of Intelligence

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Dave White]

What causes people to have arthritis?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a underground seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[John Potts]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:



1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.



AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL



5. It's VITAL that these four women do not know each other.