Joke Thread

[030]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked Robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was having a pee and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mam, I was having a pee and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the mother, "I know what happened you were having a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[039]

Two ways to look at things!
There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Dave White]

When I was a little boy....
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was about 3 years old and he had just recovered from a nasty fall. And I had got my hands on one of Dad's empty beer bottles. I loved to play with it and act grown up.

Dad was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a bottle of beer, which of course, was just water. After several of these beers, yum yum's and lots of praise for such good beer, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a bottle of beer, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a beer for Daddy and she watched him drink it all up. Then she said to Dad, "Did it ever occur to your simple mind, that the only place that boy can reach to get you water, is the toilet??"

[030]

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"

" Blow jobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you are gone."

[Neil Howson]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks
his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to
the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Ian Reynolds]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer

[Dave White]

At prayer meeting, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. 'Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him'.

There was an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain poor Jim experienced.

'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation...they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum with pins and wrap wire around it to hold it in place'.

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery and the wire.

'Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say with time his scrotum should recover completely'.

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and asked tentatively if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose from his seat and said quietly, 'Good morning. I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, once again, the word is "sternum"'.

[Dave White]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a
salon. The brunette told her,

"There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the
car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the
odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a
problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you
sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

[030]

Remember this and you'll no longer be at a loss when someone says, "you
don't know Jack Schitt!"*

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? Well
thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way.
______________

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had
one son Jack.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Despite her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local
newspaper announced the Schitt Happens nupitals. The Schitt - Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

[Neil Howson]

Three blokes are having a pint. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, " I still
prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called
McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals
so much that, when you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for
you."

"Well," said the Englishman, " at my local , the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy ya a
drink, then another, all the drinks ya like. Then, when you've had
enough drinks they'll take ya upstairs and see that ya get laid. All on
the house."

The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.
But he swears every word is true.

"Well," asked the Englishman, " did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me mesel', personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen
t' ma sister."