Joke Thread

[Dave White]

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

[John Potts]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,' she asks,'will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?'


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?'


'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.


'Why Osama Bin Laden,' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
Little bit.


And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
Anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.'


'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f***er.'

[Dave White]

If I rub Viagra into my eyes will i look hard?

[John Potts]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
>
>The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
>
>"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
>
>The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
>
>
>
>"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question."
>
>"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.
>
>"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Dave White]

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly, it would be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to."

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who... well... had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind.

And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while.
And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."

[Dave White]

B&Q
SCAM


I'm not usually
one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the b'stard out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky!!

Pass this warning on ….

[Dave White]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she thinks she is pregnant.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is indeed pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Porsche 997 GT2 stops in front of their house, a mature, bald yet distinguished man impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of his new GT2 and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her
2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him... "You'll have sex again!!"

[030]

man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of
Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they
went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic
cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite
lolly and M&Ms!


What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked,

'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
realisation...

'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna
get it wrong.....

[030]

Had a wank lastnight over the ex-girlfriend,

I know it's wrong but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper

[030]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take a **** out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours