Joke Thread

[Dave White]

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and Calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:
'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says.
'You lot are so focussed on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror.

he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

[Dave White]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

[107]

I take no credit or blame for this as it came from another forum but made me titter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.



The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.


A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.


She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."


The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.


She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.


It says..



(Are you ready for this?)





(Are you sure?)




(This is bad!)




(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)







(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)






(You can still delete it)











(You know you're gonna be sorry)











(Last chance)











(OK, here it is)










It says,







"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

[030]

An irishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experiance shoeing horses. He said no but he'd once told a donkey to flibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleoff..

[Neil Howson]

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for Christmas for £150.
Do you think that's two deer?

[041]

Originally Posted by neilhowson

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for Christmas for £150.
Do you think that's two deer?

Suppose its a leg each for you !!!!

[Neil Howson]

Originally Posted by Rob Woodworth

Suppose its a leg each for you !!!!

Not till Feb!

[Susanne Howson]

Originally Posted by neilhowson

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for Christmas for £150.
Do you think that's two deer?

I despair!

[Dave White]

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with their campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa) .

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to
impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en
cuero) in Spanish.

13. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

14. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger- lickin'
good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

15. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

16. Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

17. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

18. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours.
Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

[Dave White]

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gareth.hardy1/dixons.jpg