Joke Thread - Page 2

Simon Bentley · 16-11-2007

As you know, Glasgow has won the bid to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be altered especially for 2014 in order to give it more of a local theme to it.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm), and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first without any assistance.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun, converted starting pistol, or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft and set off in chase.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found which is not hazardous to human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian" or similar.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided and may include sprint stages when routed through certain areas of the city

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police anti-riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

030 · 19-11-2007

http://www.addictinggames.com/slapthenerd.html

passes the time

030 · 20-11-2007

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
"Pies you d*ckhead."

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

Simon Bentley · 22-11-2007

1) What does Louis Hamilton have that England hasn't? A Maclaren

2) What's the difference between Louis Hamilton and England? Hamilton's going to Switzerland.

3) Apparently McClaren's going to the FA's Xmas fancy dress ball dressed as a pumpkin - he's hoping someone will turn him into a coach!

4) Oxo have released a new line today. The new cube is coloured white with a red cross and is called "the laughing stock"

5) England are to change their shirts, the three lions are to be replaced by three tampons to represent the worst period they have ever had.

Simon Bentley · 23-11-2007

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F**ing Employees

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The F**ing Holiday Party

Vegetarians I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Simon Bentley · 23-11-2007

TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death.

The alarm was first raised at around 10pm last night as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.

By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.
Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace."

He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees.

"It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."

Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: "I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling at about 9.50pm.
"He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet."

Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.

Simon Bentley · 23-11-2007

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Subject: Human Resources

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. See, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules... "
And with that St. Peter put the executive in a lift and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the lift.
The lift opened at the Pearly gates and she saw St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said.
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and rubbish and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you.
Today, you're staff....."

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina'.......'Yes' she says...... The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.'

030 · 23-11-2007

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their
Last Days And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.

After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel.

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her
Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each
Bed, These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On
Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

The Manager Does As He Is
Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their
Business.

As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you Know, I
Think My Girl Was Dead!'

'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say
That?'

'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving
Her.'

His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'

'a Witch, Why The Hell Would You Say
That?'

'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck And
Then I Went Down And Gave Her A Little Bite On The Ass, Next Thing I Know, She
Farted And Flew Out The Window.'