Joke Thread

[Patrick Holmes]

An old man stopped by police at 1 in the morning and asked where he's going at this time of night. He says, "To a lecture about alcohol abuse and affects on the human body." Copper says, "Really, who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Bloke says, "The wife."

[David Walker]

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it moist, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

[Dave Rudderham]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the cow in the morning.

[David Walker]

The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on.... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!!

[David Walker]

On the Public Address system:

'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'


A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their shopping trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 36 cans he replies.


'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.


What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.


'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 36 cans of beer and it's half the price.'

He never knew what hit him.

[260]

i went dogging the other night with the wife but by the time she had managed to park the car every one had gone

[Dave White]

According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag!
So every morning I slap the wife on the flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble and say "two sugars fatty!"

[David Walker]

Originally Posted by Dave White

According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag!
So every morning I slap the wife on the flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble and say "two sugars fatty!"

your going straight to hell for that one

[Dave White]

Originally Posted by discotd5

your going straight to hell for that one

I don't drink tea... Clare does, the rest is your imagination...

[David Walker]

Dead Penguins , I never knew this!

I just can't believe they actually do this.


I thought that you might want to know a little about penguins.







Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?




Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely orderedand complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.









The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:








"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


Then they kick him in the ice hole.





You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?


It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!